If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
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I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
just got my engagement photos
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.