[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Oh thanks BBC.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread