I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
You Might Also Like
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear