as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Sticker placement is key.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.