Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
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Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.