my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?