*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
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Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!