CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
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Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
lmfao come on
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that