New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)