Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
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People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!