Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
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Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Why am I like this?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.