HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
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why isn’t he texting back
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people