Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
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My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay