Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
what’s more important?
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
True
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Lmfao
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
The real reason evolution started..😂
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.