Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
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Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
2023 was just a warmup
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.