mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
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Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
NASA has no chill
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.