It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
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My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
There are usually two types of merchants.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ