I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
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I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.