Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
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Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉