God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
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Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Ron is short for Aaronald
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.