$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
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If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water