[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
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asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af