I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
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Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?