It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
They got Raph!
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Do not steal food from the science building!