You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
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Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?