I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
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birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.