Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
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Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Thursday Thought.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.