Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
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To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I’m calling the cops.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.