Duck typos.
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I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms