“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for