wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
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you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
so much to do
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.