[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
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Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
waiting for halloween be like:
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?