When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
You Might Also Like
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.