Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
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Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
WWE is French for “yes”
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.