My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
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me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
goldfish mafia
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.