I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
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I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche