My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
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Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…