DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
You Might Also Like
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Smile they said.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car