@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
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Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*