It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
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If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.