Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
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13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade