wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
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Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”