Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
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I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Lmao 🤣
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
channeling her this year
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.