*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
You Might Also Like
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.