I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.