*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
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For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
🤣
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Human are so complicated
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?