My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
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feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.