What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
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[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.