Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
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Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.