Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
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Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.